The truth is out there, Baldwin County


Editor’s note: Forgive me, dear readers, for resurrecting and re-working a column from a few years back. It’s amazing how relevant this piece of humor still is today, though.

Due to the nature of my job, I often find myself at various functions and civic meetings where I’ve gotten to hear a variety of public speakers expound on a plethora issues.

Not long ago, I was at just such a meeting where the warm-up speaker proceeded to give a rundown of what they felt were the major issues affecting us as a state and a nation.

Some of these “issues” came down on the side that I generally assign to people who wear tinfoil on their heads to keep “the gubment” from “listenin’ to your thoughts.”

The speaker accused the media of being complicit in keeping information from the public, and there’s nothing more fun than being a member of a class that’s being attacked and having everyone in the room agreeing with the attacker.

However, in this instance, the speaker was right.

We in the media are keeping a number of vitally important bits of information out of your hands.

I can no longer live with the guilt of keeping it from you noble truth-seekers, so I use my space this week to divulge it all.

So, here’s what you need to know:

- Tupac is alive and living in Point Clear. This is why the Point Clear Property Owners’ Association refuses to release their membership list.

- The government is using tracking software in our phones to figure out where we’re going everyday, but only so they can figure out if Baldwin County needs another Foosackly’s location to support our demand.

- The true aim of the Common Core standards at are schools is to make our kids dumb enough to where they don’t realize that they don’t get to have that wonderful rectangular-shaped pizza in the lunchroom any more.

- Jeanne Carney on the Baldwin County Citizens for Government Accountability Facebook page is actually the split personality of Baldwin County Board of Education spokesperson Terry Wilhite that only manifests when he is frustrated at work.

- The possible move to bring immigrant children to live in Baldwin County two years ago was actually a secret ploy by the government. If you rearrange the letters of the “Office of Refugee Relocation,” you can spell “Obama is coming for your wife, children, money, home, guns, pickup truck and Aunt Mildred.”

- Political consulting group Catalyst Systems has already rigged the June 5 election, but only to vote in local blogger Francis Paul Ripp as Alabama’s next Secretary of State.

Those are all the secrets I can reveal for now, and I pray I won’t be silenced before being able to bring you more, citizens.

Keep your ear to the ground and remember – the truth is out there.