Last Friday, I got to the office a bit later than usual, only to find a delivery from the Baldwin County Sheriff’s Office on my desk.
Instead of the usual photos from some event they’d like to get in the paper, it was a subpoena to appear in court at a trial involving the town of Elberta.
No one enjoys being subpoenaed, but journalists are always especially leery of such chicanery as it goes against our rightful place in the world: we’re supposed to report on the story, not be a part of it.
I’ve never been subpoenaed to appear in a trial before, so I’m certain I will behave and say exactly what I ought to say: the truth and nothing but the truth.
However, as a way to purge my system of the insane urges one gets when one has a stage on which to perform, I give you, dear readers, the list of things I will try desperately hard not to do in court today - even if a lifetime of movies and TV shows about courtroom drama make them seem fun.
- I will not play the Perry Mason or Matlock themes on my phone as I enter the courtroom.
- I will not use the phrase “The whole damn system should be on trial” on the stand.
- I will not say to anyone examining me that “You can’t handle the truth!”
- I will not try to lead the courtroom in a stirring rendition of “Ya Got Trouble” from “The Music Man,” a’la one of my favorite episodes of Ally McBeal.
- I will not bring in my own copy of the Bible to swear in on (that’s actually a secret copy of Moby Dick) and say that all of the people involved were actually teaching Bible school to the children down by the river, as the preacher did in “Fried Green Tomatoes.”
- I will not have couriers bring in giant mail bags filled with letters to Santa Claus.
- I will not talk about the inner workings of the 1964 Buick Skylark and whether or not it has positraction.
- I will not make the Law and Order scene change noise every time a new witness takes the stand.
But, if I do, will some well-meaning person set up a legal defense fund to pay my fees for the contempt of court charge?
Thanks in advance, dear readers.
