I submit to you, dear readers, that breakups are not actually the worst thing in the world.
Having been through one rather recently, I can agree that it has been painful and depressing.
It makes you question your judgement and your priorities, and can sometimes seem like coming out of a deep fog.
But, the worst part thus far has really been trying to get back out into the dating scene, a place that seems analogous to a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape.
I find myself exhausted by even the idea of hitting the bar scene.
Because of this job, my options for meeting people out in public are limited at best. With the number of public meetings I have to attend on a weekly basis, my calendar is often filled and one doesn’t think it likely to meet single, eligible women at city council meetings, county commission work sessions of special called school board events.
Given my reporting beats and recent events involving little old ladies at gas stations, I’m going to write off the entire city of Fairhope and its planning jurisdiction from the realm of possibility, as there are only so many times one can stand to hear the phrase “Oh, you’re that Cliff McCollum.”
Though I am usually loathe to admit it, I am technically a millennial, so the realm of online dating and dating apps is the preferred means of reaching out for my people.
However, this world introduces a completely different type of horror into my life, as we now pull in women from the Mobile and Pensacola areas.
Several attempted meet-ups have been met with last minute cancellations with no explanation given by my potential dates. The only plus side there is that when wait staffs at restaurants realize you’ve been stood up, they tend to be nice and occasionally give you a free appetizer or drink - and I’ve never been one to turn down anything free.
Then, there are the profiles that are so absurd that one has to examine fully before taking a hard pass.
Something called “Niq Niq” looked as though she might actually be a member of the Hutt family of Tatooine was the subject of conversation for a good five minutes with a text chain I participate in.
Another online profile belonging to a woman named Shoney in Mobile led me to continue a policy that the only Shoney’s I’m going anywhere near is a restaurant that used to have a decent breakfast buffet and made a darn good strawberry pie.
I have a group of well-meaning friends who have offered their Yente-ing services in trying to find a potential match. We shall see on that.
Those of you who have been there, I’m happy to hear counsel and advice on the subject. I’ve always known many of you to be forthright and candid with your opinions in the past, so I’d be curious to hear your collective thoughts on the matter.
Because, with what I’m seeing out there right now, a quiet life as a solitary hermit isn’t sounding that awful.